Τη θυμάστε αυτή τη σειρά; Πρόκειται για παραγωγή του 1985 που προβλήθηκε στην Ελλάδα υποτιτλισμένη στο κανάλι ΕΤ2, μάλλον στα τέλη της δεκαετίας του 1980 αν δεν κάνω λάθος, μέχρι το πολύ 1990-91. Αν δεν τη θυμάστε είμαι βέβαιος πως θα τη θυμηθείτε από το παρακάτω αφιέρωμα, όπου παρουσιάζεται το πιο τρομακτικό επεισόδιο της σειράς. Μπρρρ!
Let’s watch the scariest episode of ‘Punky Brewster’ ever
CREDIT: NBC via Getty Images
There are like, four things I firmly remember being terrified by as a kid. One, Large Marge. Two, Judge Doom’s face coming off at the end of “Roger Rabbit.” Three, an episode of “Are You Afraid of The Dark” where there was this little girl trapped in a mirror in an abandoned house and was writing all “Help Me” all over the walls by ghost magic. Primarily because that little girl looked exactly like I did when I was a kid, and I’m very self-involved.
The fourth was a two part episode of “Punky Brewster” called “The Perils of Punky.” It’s probably one of the more famous episodes of “Punky Brewster”–not as famous as Cherie getting stuck in the refrigerator, but still. I’ve met many other people in my time who also had nightmares as a result of that episode.
So, because it’s Halloween, I thought I’d revisit it and see how it holds up. Luckily, it happens to be available on YouTube, so we can all check it out together.
We start off with Henry, Mrs. Johnson, Punky, Cherie, Margaux and Allen going on a camping trip. “Margaux! On a camping trip?” you may be thinking right now–but if you’ll recall, she was in “Troop Beverly Hills.” Mrs. Johnson is basically me if I were ever on a camping trip, announcing that she doesn’t trust air she can’t see. I HEAR YOU, BETTY.
Various camping activities ensue, most of which seem to involve some degree of flailing. The children–who are much smaller than I remember–flail so much that they get lost by a cave. This is before cellphones, so they’re pretty much fucked, and Brandon the Wonder Dog’s nose is of no help in locating their camp. Naturally, they decide to compound their situation by going into a cave where probably Henry and Mrs. Johnson will not be looking for them.
Inside the cave, there’s an open fire and cave drawings of all four children on the wall already. Instead of getting the fuck out of there, as I, or Mrs. Johnson would have done, they decide to just chill and tell ghost stories. And thus, the perils of Punky begin.
WAIT. No. I was wrong. This is where it appears to get somewhat racist! While Punky is telling her story, the kids hear drums, and they’re like “OMG. Indian drums. NOW WE RUN SCREAMING.” Which they do. I don’t know—I would think that pictures of you and your dog on the cave would be a more immediate reason to get the fuck up out of that place, but that’s just me.
But they do not escape. They are blocked, and in walk some seriously decked out Native Americans. They try to leave again, but one of the Native American dudes is like “NO, you children have to stay and listen to my scary story.” Which in retrospect is pretty weird because he’s an adult. I mean, if you ran into some random kids in a cave, wouldn’t you try to help them find their parents before you sit them down for storytelling time?
Dude starts telling the story of “Princess Moon”–which we can all safely assume is a reference to the fact that Punky Brewster’s real name is Soleil Moon Frye. Apparently, the whole area where they decided to go camping was once filled with evil until that evil was conquered by Princess Moon. But like, now she’s long dead and the evil has come back, so the Native American dudes have just been hanging out and waiting for Punky Brewster to come along and save them from all the evil again. Because she has the “Power of Love” and Huey Lewis was unavailable.
Punky is not so sure about this, but Native American dude is like “Fine. Leave. But then everything here is going to die and all the animals will leave and things will be terrible and it will be all your fault, Punky Brewster!” Punky, naturally, rises to the occasion. Possibly because she doesn’t have a mom and thus hasn’t heard that one before.
And of course, all the Native Americans bow down to their White Savior, Punky Brewster, and because we are eight years old we probably do not realize how messed up that is. Our heroes start along on their journey as the cave walls magically close behind them, ensuring that they will not escape until they have defeated the evil spirit.
Punky then causes an avalanche by screaming “Punky Power!” at the top of her damn lungs, causing me to realize that my childhood hero may have been kind of a narcissistic asshole. The things we learn, right?
So they go on into the cave, which is filled with creepy ass glowing eyes…and then…BLAH! GIANT FUCKING SPIDER.
To be continued…
So now we’re continuing! Except now they’re just walking and there’s pretty much no mention of the creepy ass spider that apparently almost killed them at the end of the last episode. They do, however, come upon a wall with a bunch of human extremities poking out of it. Naturally, Punky investigates.
OH HEY! It’s character actor Vincent Schiavelli, whom you may remember from such classics as “One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest” and “Fast Times at Ridgemont High!” He was apparently down inside the cave looking for gold, when the evil spirit attacked him and flung his limbs all over the place. As evil spirits do.
Jazz hands and canned laughter ensue as Vincent Schiavelli and Allen trade snappy one-liners. The kids move along, because whatever, just a dude stuck in a wall, no big.
After a brief run-in with a cliff and some more glowing eyes, the children happen upon a weird glowing/steaming thing. Punky, of course, reaches right in and grabs a tomahawk–but puts it back because hey, it could belong to the Evil Spirit. They leave that area, BUT THEN, the tomahawk rises on its own and careens on through the air on out the door.
The kids walk on, finally coming across a giant spiderweb that takes up the whole wall. Following Brandon the Wonder Dog’s lead, they crawl through a hole in the side, only to be immediately attacked by that giant fucking spider from before. Cherie, Margaux and Allen are basically useless, and find themselves attached to the web, while Punky and Brandon fight off the giant spider–which yeah, probably scared the crap out of me when I was a kid, especially with all the strobe light action going on.
The tomahawk, which maybe is not evil now, appears in front of Punky, and she uses it to kill the spider and free her friends. PUNKY POWER, motherfuckers.
Alas, this is all too much for Margaux, who has gone pretty much catatonic. Ostensibly because she has yet to meet Shelley Long and become a real Wilderness Girl. Punky is like, whatevs. I’ll just give her a pep talk, bitch’ll be fine. But Margaux is NOT fine. Margaux disappears into thin air. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
After a brief chat with the Evil Spirit, who it turns out is kind of a smartass (“Are you the Evil Spirit?” Punky asks. “No! It’s Mr. Rogers! Welcome to my neighborhood! Muahahahahaha!”), the children press on to find Margaux and defeat the evil spirit. Except then Allan also disappears! And then Cherie!
The Evil Spirit gives Punky some more shit, but she’s like “Give me back my friends!” So the Evil Spirit says “Fine! Here are your friends!” and then THIS happens.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
OK. You know what? That shit is still messed up. Allen’s head embedded into the wall with glowing teeth and whatnot? Yikes. Do not like. Then a really bad mannequin version of Cherie’s head pops up with glowing eyes screaming “Punky!” And an evil Margaux dancing skeleton that is obviously only Margaux in the closeup! AHHHHHH!
Punky then has a vision of Henry and Mrs. Johnson chilling on lawnchairs and being glad the children have disappeared forever, because now they can go to Club Med. But clever Punky realizes it’s a trick, and tells Brandon so–BUT BRANDON THE WONDER DOG HAS TURNED INTO BRANDON THE WONDER DOG’S GIANT SKELETON. AHHHHHHHHH!
All on her own now, Punky meets the Evil Spirit. Said evil spirit is basically like, floating glitter with Edward Scissorhands. AHHHHHHHHH?
Punky is scared. BUT THEN, she has a vision of Princess Moon, who is basically a clone of her, because lord knows how many Native Americans have freckles like that, right? Anyway, Princess Moon tells Punky to defeat the Evil Spirit with LOVE.
The Evil Spirit tries to attacker her with fire and ice, but Punky is like “I feel sorry for you Evil Spirit! Because you will never know love! Feel the love Evil Spirit! FEEL ALL THE LOVE.”
And the Evil Spirit dissolves into fireworks, and Punky says “Holy Mackanoli!” and all her friends–Cherie, Margaux, Allen and Brandon and Vincent Schiavelli come back! Hooray! And Vincent Schiavelli wants to go bowling!
BUT WAIT. It was all a dream! Or rather, the story that Punky was telling! None of it actually happened!
Which kind of makes this like, the Mary Sue fanfic to end all Mary Sue fanfics, right?
Anyway, Henry and Mrs. Johnson find them, and they all head back home. Princess Moon, though, appears again to say “Goodbye Punky, and thank you!” so maybe it was all real after all!
THE END
